All My Fault
by tinylexie
Summary: Severus's thoughts when he sees Lucius at the Death Eater meeting at the beginning of Deathly Hallows. Not slash.


**Author's Note****: There are references in this story to my stories "Different Worlds But Not So Different People" and "A Spy in the Order."**

**Additional Author's Note: This can either be read as a stand-alone or as a prequel to my story "For Love."**

* * *

Severus should have been prepared for this moment. He was at Malfoy Manor for crying out loud. And he knew that the Dark Lord had "liberated" all the Death Eaters that had been in Azkaban. Of course he would see Lucius in his own manor.

At least Lucius didn't look completely horrible. He had been cleaned up very nicely. But he definitely wasn't the same. His long platinum blond hair, usually so perfectly groomed and shiny, was now almost lifeless. And his face, usually so cold and emotionless, was now clearly expressing the man's fear and exhaustion.

Lucius also sat stiffly in his chair (like a proper Pureblood), but he looked defeated and broken down rather than his usual confident self.

It was as if Lucius had aged about a decade since the last time that Severus had seen him.

And it was all Severus's fault.

* * *

Lucius met Severus's eyes briefly before the dark-haired man took his seat next to the Dark Lord. And in that brief moment, Severus saw the Lucius Malfoy that he had always known, the Lucius Malfoy that had always been strong and bold.

Severus had seen Lucius lose his temper on a few occasions, but for the most part, it had always seemed as if nothing could affect Lucius. No matter how chaotic things got around him, Lucius had always been calm and in control. Lucius had always been able to keep all of them organized. He had always been able to keep himself organized. Emotions had always been beneath him.

And there had never been a challenge that Lucius had backed down from. If something didn't go right the first time, Lucius would sometimes growl about it for a few seconds, but then he would calm himself and go over in his head what had gone wrong. And then, Lucius would keep on at it until he finally accomplished his goal. It was as if nothing could stand in his way.

And no matter the situation, Lucius just always had to be the victor. If he didn't get in the last hex, then at the very least he had to get in the last word. Lucius had never been able to leave a situation if he had not won in some way.

To put it simply, Lucius had always been pompous and arrogant. But he had always been able to back it up with his iron determination and his unbreakable will. He didn't give up. He didn't surrender. He did whatever it took to get whatever he wanted.

But Severus had not seen any of those things when he had first spotted Lucius, before Lucius had met his eyes.

Even though he hated it, Severus kept all his attention focused on the Dark Lord. He usually didn't like to do this, as the Dark Lord truly was a skilled Legilimens, especially when he was given the opportunity to look at you directly in your eyes. But at the moment, Severus felt a lot safer looking at the Dark Lord than he did looking at Lucius.

* * *

Severus had known that Lucius would be the one leading the mission to retrieve the prophecy from Potter, but Severus had forgotten all about that when he had realized that Potter was in danger.

Severus had to protect Potter at all costs, for Lily's sake. Severus had not even thought about the danger he was sending Lucius's way by sending the Aurors to save Potter.

Lucius had never been one to need any protection. He had always been able to take care of himself. There was no reason for Severus to worry about him. Potter was to one who needed to be handled with care. But not Lucius. Never Lucius.

The Dark Lord would have obtained the prophecy if Severus had not sent the Aurors. Lucius would not have fallen so far from grace if not for Severus's actions.

But what about Potter? What would have happened to Potter, Lily's son, if Severus had not done anything?

But Severus had never intended to bring any harm to Lucius, the same person who had always treated him with respect, even after learning about Lily, even after learning that Severus was a Half-Blood.

Severus could still remember the day that Lucius had suddenly shown up at his house. He remembered how Lucius had mocked his father, resulting in Tobias Snape going after Lucius with a knife.

Lucius, however, had been able to handle that situation without any problem. He had managed to turn the knife on Tobias.

But that Lucius was now somewhere else.

* * *

The Dark Lord did not linger behind Lucius's chair for long as he made his way behind each Death Eater's chair, but Severus noticed that Lucius still tensed up when the Dark Lord passed by him.

Lucius missed the look of pity that Severus sent his way, which was probably a good thing. If there was one thing that Lucius truly hated, it was the idea of anyone feeling any pity towards him.

And Severus was also feeling pity for himself, something else that Lucius would have hated.

It seemed as if Severus was always hurting those that he loved. He had called Lily a "Mudblood," the one word he had always swore to himself that he would never use against her.

Then, he had heard just enough of the prophecy to cause the Dark Lord to go after Lily.

Severus remembered when the Dark Lord had once asked him which Order member would be the most likely to turn spy for them. In their conversation, Pettigrew's name had come up.

And Pettigrew had been the one to give up Lily to the Dark Lord.

Severus might as well had murdered Lily himself.

And now, in his desire to make up for all mistakes by protecting Lily's son, Severus had gotten Lucius sent to Azkaban.

That, in turn, had led to the Dark Lord making Draco a Death Eater and giving him the task of murdering Dumbledore.

It had not been a task that the Dark Lord had expected Draco to succeed in. It had all been nothing more than the Dark Lord's idea of a sick joke. The only purpose for all of it had been to punish Lucius even more.

Severus could still see in his mind the fear and desperation that had been in Narcissa's eyes when she had gone to him for help.

He had been the reason why she had needed help in the first place.

_Lily, Lucius, Draco, Narcissa, please forgive me. I never meant to harm any of you._

* * *

Severus suddenly heard the Dark Lord asking Lucius for his wand.

Severus was afraid that this wasn't going to end well. There was no way that Lucius could have lost all his pride and boldness. He was still Lucius Malfoy for crying out loud.

But would Lucius actually be bold enough to risk the Dark Lord's wrath by refusing to obey his command?

_Please, Lucius, just this once, let go of your pride. Save that fiery spirit of yours for another day. Don't get yourself killed because of your damnable pride._

Lucius turned to Narcissa.

Severus knew that Narcissa was the only person in the world who Lucius would literally bend over backwards for. Lucius would do anything to keep her happy.

And surely Narcissa didn't want Lucius dying any more than Severus did. No, of course not. She loved Lucius was a burning passion.

Narcissa must have done something because Lucius handed his wand over to the Dark Lord without causing a dramatic scene over it.

Severus breathed a sigh of relief. He would have preferred if Lucius had not been humiliated like this, but at least Lucius was still alive.

Unlike Lily.

But Severus could not forget that Lucius would not have even been humiliated if not for his actions.

Severus had truly done nothing but destroy the lives of everyone that he loved.

* * *

Suddenly, Severus once again felt Lucius's eyes on him. Severus almost felt himself being burned by the anger that was in the other wizard's eyes.

Lucius knew about Lily. Lucius, therefore, had to know that it had been Severus who had sent the Aurors to the Department of Mysteries.

Lucius would have known that Severus would have wanted to protect Lily's son.

At that moment, Severus was truly afraid. There was nothing to stop Lucius from giving him up. And if he was to give Severus up as a traitor, that would go a long way in helping him to redeem himself and his family in the Dark Lord's eyes.

Severus was not afraid of death. He knew that he deserved death after everything that he had done.

But he still had work to do for Dumbledore. He still had to do whatever it took to ensure that Potter lived long enough to sacrifice himself, so that the Dark Lord could finally be killed.

_I'm so sorry, Lily._

By speaking up now, Lucius could help to ensure victory for the Dark Lord. By speaking up now, Lucius could ruin all of Dumbledore's carefully-laid plans.

But Lucius didn't say a word. He just looked at Severus.

_I'm sorry,_ Severus tried to say with his eyes. _I'm so sorry for everything. It was never meant to be this way._

Nothing in Lucius's expression, however, reflected whether or not he had received Severus's desperate, nonverbal message.

Severus was only able to breath in relief when Lucius finally looked away.


End file.
